Struggle against loneliness.. (for Bloco)

And there I go again. I though the last date to submit was 30th Sept. How careless and stupid I can be, I don't know. It seems like I am trying new limits every damn time, and just between you and me, I am not at all proud of it.. :/ Anyway, so I thought, even though I haven't mentioned many struggles, there's one example I can't go without mentioning. The struggle of one of my own against loneliness. This guy, was a very strong, smart sensible person, always there for his friends, little naive but overall, one of the nicest people I could come across. We could actually talk about everything under the sun and we did. But until one day, when I realised there's something I did not know about him and it devastated me. I blamed myself for not understanding this, and again, as always, I went to talk to him because I felt terrible.

And his reply is what I want to share. It's one of the best, what say, a kind of sermon he has given me .. (he is in the habit of doing that a lot :P , yet ). This is what he said-

" For the starters, it's not at all your fault. How are you supposed to know something when I put all my energy into making you believe otherwise. You know, I am not the kind of person who likes to be vulnerable. Even when you opened up about all your feelings to me, however irrelevant or important, a part of me urged to do that. And no, don't say that I used to open up to you. I was comfortable talking to you, sharing things with you, but even after all that we went through together, I couldn't bring myself to appear weak in front of you,. Little did I know, that's what would make me strong.
And more over, I felt stupid. I thought no one would get what I was trying to say. I thought they would ask, how come even though I am surrounded by loved ones who care about me ? How come when I have such a good set of friends like yourself ? How come when I am doing so great in what I am passionate about ? My brain said AL IZZ WELL but my soul, well, it was lost, confused about why was life being so unfair to it. Punny, isn't it ? All I could manage was to keep the dice rolling. Get up, wash, go to college, chit-chat, pass the time, come home, whatsapp people about some irrelevant unimportant stuff, watch series, re watch movies, do all the things that I would, to make an ordinary day come to life.

But there was this something, eating away the best parts of me. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe for a damsel to come along and understand it, and make it all go away with her charm or maybe for that one moment when I could muster up my courage and announce to myself that whatever this is, isn't going to affect me henceforth. I was even afraid to give it a name. It doesn't hurt to call it loneliness now, but then it was my worst nightmare. I was unaware of what was happening to me. I started reading motivational self-help books, but apparently, time heals only the good things that we wish to hold on to forever. Time keeps on ticking to say, “Don’t be fooled, this is the reality.” That’s why the things I read to lift my spirits didn't stay with me for very long. There was a hole in my soul that drained me of all positive energy, leaving behind only emptiness. I knew the hole well by now—I had lived with it for months— but I didn't know how to escape its hold over me.
I was starting to lose hope. I started doing things I wouldn't usually do. You know which. I thought it would add some spice, liven up my life. I dared to go beyond what was fair and necessary. Didn't work. I ended up isolating myself even more. I went out for dinner or lunch with people who had nothing to do with my life and spent the whole time talking about things that were of no importance. But then you started noticing that something was wrong. A part of me wanted you and others to find out, but the other part would come up and say, nothing re, everything's fine. Just wanted some change or felt like doing it or something more idiotic. Everything was awful. Insomnia, emptiness, apathy.. I felt like I was falling into a deep dark spiral. I thought it was just a rough patch, a phase.. will pass. I waited for it to pass for 2 whole years and then some more.

And then you happened. Saying those things out loud was the best thing that happened to me. I think, it was this moment I was waiting for. I was tempted to modify a few things even as I was talking to you, but that day, the better part of me had the controls. I went on and on, those hysterical, sarcastic laughs, those tears, I needed them. It was then I felt like I was me again. I did not need to pretend anything any more. I could laugh my heart out, and what was so different on that day ? Nothing. We were just talking as we used to. And suddenly, I realised that there are people like you who genuinely care about me, who won't judge me no matter what. And that opened the flood gates. It's all what we need sometimes. People really do underestimate power of good caring friends in their lives. Taking them for granted, no matter how haughty your nature is, is the worst thing you can do. I now realise it.

I know and I understand you very well. And I am sorry I can't love you. But remember this, this is the most intimate I can be with someone. And we are going to stay this way for ever. "

Amazing, wasn't it ?? Now tell me who couldn't help falling for this guy. No no, I am not talking about the whole outburst, just concentrate on the last 2 lines. ^_^
Anyway, loneliness is something all of us suffer from at a point in our lives. And sometimes, instead of giving yourself the trouble of getting to your breaking point, all you can do easily is seek a friend. I can elaborate this more, but I am really sleepy now. So, if you really want to elaborate, email me and we can talk ;) It's sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share ,just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;)

Struggle to stay sane.. (for Bloco)

You know what folks, after I submitted the last post, I thought, was that a stupid idea ? The sort of thing that seems to hold a lot of pull at the start, with powerful words and stuff to express it, but as the time passes, the charisma fades away. And again on the other hand, not everyone would be comfortable about this show of their most intimate emotional venture. They would have a point if they claim so because I wouldn’t have liked someone whom I have trusted with my issues displaying them in public. Of course, anonymity is guaranteed but sometimes, it’s not about the ‘others’ who read it, it’s about the ones whose stories they are. So I was in a dilemma as how do I go ahead ? I need permissions and I won’t be able to get them over phone. I needed time but here the deadline’s approaching fast. So, I decided to write down about the person most dear to me, about whom I can safely decide what’s worth sharing..

There’s this girl. A seemingly normal girl in my batch who comes to college regularly, hangs out with her group of friends, has a decent score, in short, issue-free at first glance. But the ones really close to her actually know what she is going through. No no, nothing that tragic to make the aunties go, “Arre, poor girl !!” or something of that sort; but she has her own issues. She finds it difficult to stay sane sometimes. I am not kidding.

She is like, I really love my friends, but there are times when you just can’t laugh at their jokes, just can’t sit through their list of troubles, and neither do you want to be alone. There’s no incident or anything that triggers this restlessness, feeling of irritation, lack of concentration, it just happens. And on the top of that she had trouble getting over the rejection her heartless boyfriend gave her just after 2 months of relationship. He chose another girl over her. But for her, he was “the one”. Her only moments of solace in those days were when she realised she was much better in every sphere than the girl he was with ( Bitchy ?? But it works like hell.. Trust me..  )

And this thing pushed her over the bridge. She couldn’t sleep at nights, stayed awake through them days at a stretch, had attacks of depression, anxiety,urged to get addicted to something and felt deprived of the love, the feelings she had. Every time the guy crossed her (he was from my batch too), she said, she felt like she was being punched hard in the chest. She couldn’t breathe. All she thought was about how could she recover what was lost. This was her way to combat the real emotional pain of rejection. She was torn between her struggles to resist the temptation to stalk, plead, talk to him and make a needy fool of herself, and to preserve her dignity and self-respect. For many out there, you must be thinking, this is something we hear about everyday. What’s new ?? This is something that keeps on happening and is ‘inevitable’ ( Yes, Guys can be so mean at times.. oops.. most of the times..  ).

She said, she found it easy to let herself slip into zones of madness at times. The zones where she used to act crazy, weird.. Do stuff which did not require her to think. Seeing movies, devouring one book after the other, watching TV series, watching porn, drinking and smoking were her solace. And suddenly, one day she realised it’s been 8 months, and she’s the same. The intensity of the incident was the same. It hurt the same. And then she did something. This something is what makes her story different from millions others who tackle the loss of their “soul mates” by finding some other “soul mate.” It is this which helped her stay sane when going crazy was an easier option.

Often we misjudge people. We don’t understand the depth of their emotions, the importance of some incident. There maybe some who may be able to cope up with it quite easily, but there may also be some who are like her. What she did that day is something every one of us can try when we think we are losing our sanity. And the reasons maybe different, but this phase comes to everyone once in a while. She started with cleaning her room. Better look out of her room gave her a little positivity.

Then she jotted down something in her diary. She wrote, ” Firstly, I am not going crazy. I am just temporarily off the rocker. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or affect what he’s thinking or feeling. Whatever we had, for a short period though, was real and enough for me to keep him alive in my memory throughout my life. If wants space, I grant him that; all I want is for him to be happy. I won’t shame myself by stalking him or talking to him again. There is a part of me that seeks pain, agony and it is this part which urges me to seek him against my intelligence. ( That part is there within all of us. Most of the people allow it to overcome voice of their heart. And when this happens, we have no guidance of seeking our destined path. It is that part within us that resists change, that allows us to seek comfort in pain and suffering. We need to fight it)
When I feel overpowered by that darkness, I shall turn towards a good friend for reassurance.
When I am triggered, I shall take a deep breath and chant “control Girl control, this too shall pass” and I will put up a big smile even if I don’t feel like it. (They say, brain and body works with cause and effect principle. You either make something happen to feel cheerful {cause} or display the effect of being cheerful to actually lead the brain to think you are and release the hormones necessary ) [ And, it does help ]
Keeping a distance from him is what is going to help me heal. I will take as much time to heal as I want before I am ready to have a normal conversation with him. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
I am a growing, changing person and I am going to learn from this experience. And of course, I am going to get in better shape and spirits ( just so, at least once he realises what he has missed   ) No, this work out will be my stress buster; what he gets is no motive at all
The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me. ”

And fellas, she did follow it. It pulled her out of her downward spiral. She caught up with her grades, her life, her friends. The skies were blue again, the grass greener and the air more pleasant. She had started living. And after this experience, I think she can manage going through any other experience in her life with the life turning page of her diary with her. Everyone of us has this attack, some time or the other. We need to use some grounding exercise like deep breathing or concentrating on a point on the horizon, need to identify our triggers and ways to counteract them. It’s easier said than done, but there’s no running away from doing this. We all gotta stay sane, right ?? 

So, will be back soon with some permissions hopefully or with a new topic. Till then, stay sane.. 
And people, if you have any suggestions, criticisms, comments about anything, or if you want to share something, please mail it to me at sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com or write it in comments below.

About the struggles.. (for bloco )

” Hey there people.. So one article per day it was. I have never been consistent as such, but here, I wanted to be. And then I was caught up with a few things; before I knew, it was 17th Sept. So I thought, I will back out. What’s the point of starting now? And I was kind of irritated with myself that I missed the first 2 days. So I decided I won’t write here. And as unpredictable I am to even myself, here I am scribbling something. Maybe, the ‘ill’logic in me due to my own frustration has calmed down  Or maybe, I just don’t want to lose this opportunity. Better late than never they say.. 
I usually write on abstract topics. There’s no genre or something to what I write. I see something happening, or something happens with me, I feel something about it ( and trust me, I do feel something or the other about every damn thing I am part of, even as a spectator  ), I try to put it in words. I write about friends, success, view points, basically its all about one or the other kind of emotion.

Let me give you a short insight into my background. I am a final year student, standing at various cross roads at this very moment. Handling one cross road at a time is a task and here I am trying to choose the course I would like to pursue, the stream I would like to study, the country in which I would study, the guy I would spend my life with, and besides all of this, trying various coping mechanisms to keep my reins of care, jealousy, affection for ‘someone’ under control. It’s all too much to take in, but then knowing myself and the superb people in my life, I am sure I will handle it.

I haven’t gone through a lot of struggle until now in my life. More or less life has been easy, keeping aside the emotional issues ( that’s because when it comes to this particular consciousness, my emotional quotient is like 150% more than normal people >:O ) Can’t exactly say nothing that I couldn’t handle, but something I could make it through with the faith my family and friends had in me, with their love and support. And maybe this is why, I have great respect for people who go through the fire of struggle and come out glowing. It’s always fascinating and inspiring for me to hear such stories.

And I don’t mean I need the stories of great successful people who have left their mark on the world. Of course, most of the successful people have struggled a lot in their early life. There are a very few rare ones on whom Goddess Fortuna has showered her blessings at the start. Most of the successful people we idolize have gone through a period of depression, zero self esteem, the literal breaking point which if they wouldn’t have pushed through, there would have been no Vidya Balan or Shah Rukh Khan or Dhirubhai Ambani for that matter. But what inspires and awes me more are the stories around me. There’s a story of some or the other kind of struggle, their breaking points and break through hidden in every person around you.

For some it’s about quitting to smoke, for some to make both ends meet, for some to keep up the image they have in society, for some it’s about changing the world they live in, for some its about making their parents proud, for some its about making money, for some its about keeping the people around them together, for a few its about keeping their ways of downward spiral in check, for others its all about managing house, job and friends at the same time, for some its about keeping the male ego satisfied while not compromising the step on ladder of success, for some it’s about controlling their anger, about maintaining their body figure, for some its a struggle to just stay alive… I can go on and on.. And I think I am going to honour those struggles as long as I can by writing about them here. Let the world know of it, and moreover, let others out there know that they are not the only ones.

As I earlier said, I am not exactly a consistent writer types. But I am going to try to pay a tribute to all my heroes. So stay tuned in, I am sure you are going to connect with many of the anecdotes, personalities you read about in here. And as for now, all I would like to say is, whatever you are going through right now, is going to be okay 5 years later. If it is a guy you are whining about, a start-up that just closed down, low scores in mock tests (now that CAT etc is fast nearing), whatever it is, it is not going to stay with you with the same hold and intensity after a few years. No two people have same struggles, everyone has their own individual dramatic touches here and there but the only thing that is common for everyone is the finality that it is going to pass. It’s now you who have to decide if after a few years, you will be sitting in an interview and narrating the tales of your hardships with moist eyes to hundreds of people, or if you will be the one sitting in the audience, listening with moist eyes, clapping and applauding to their stories of break through wondering what have you achieved in life. Don’t once blame Caerus for anything, I dare you. It isn’t his fault if you cannot understand the boons he bestows. We all have umpteen opportunities around us to dust-up and stand.

If you don’t believe me, I will soon narrate to you a few stories which show how people can just keep up their faith and find the route to success with the help of tiniest ray of hope. Hope you all get the extra motivation you sometimes need to keep yourself going. If you have any suggestions, criticisms, comments about anything, or if you want to share something, please mail it to me at sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com or write it in comments below ”

Idiots Maybe- 5 ( Lives, goals and stuff)

So Friendship week it is... Long gone are the days when we were excited about knowing how many friendship bands, and souvenirs and marker marks do we get.. Now we don't need these re-assurances or even phone calls on "The Friendship Day" to  confirm or flag their presence. We know they will be there, even if they don't send us a friendship day text. (If they do, we do feel good. If they buy a friendship day gift, well well, we really feel special :P ). But now, it's not et all about this. It's all about giving each other space and knowing which things to take for granted. It's about the simple moments of togetherness we snatch from days altogether. 
Right now, almost all of my friends are either busy with their new jobs, new universities, or their own final year projects and seminars. And the other few, with their start ups, big dreams, all-about-doing-something-hatke, and a few yet, drooling over their boyfriends /girlfriends and sorting their tantrums.

 Whatever it is, all I am happy about and proud of is, people, though very much confused, are doing their best to do something for their future. No one wants to enjoy a back seat view (which. trust me, gets a hell lot taxing on me sometimes :P ). No one says, "I'm going to learn to cook well" For everyone its,"I'm going to become a Michelin-star chef."  But what I am afraid about is, we dream of a future that is very different than our present. We'll live in New York instead of Mumbai, paint for living, be among the top most people and what not.  But getting from here to there is hard. Not only because only a few of us fantasize about the efforts required, but also because, we all live in 'today'.
We only have limited energy and willpower to call on each day. If we've already spent it on a tough decision of deciding restaurant for dinner, we're not going to have enough oomph to get ourselves to a complete the chapter of quant or edit the article whose deadline is close approaching. We all run the risk of doing lots of little things every day—cleaning the house, chatting, catching up on TV—without ever making a contribution to our future.  That can leave us feeling restless and unfulfilled (from experience >:O ) It's the big picture things that gives life a meaning.But it's in our nature, for example, to spend our energy doing "today- things" like, projects and labs, and meanwhile hold a distorted perception of being the most successful business person. Even if we're future-focused, to keep chasing after what may turn out to be the wrong destiny.
Not every girl spends her life pursuing her childhood dream of being the next Kalpana Chawla.The dreams you have today may no longer be your goals two, three, or five years from now. Even if they are, the progress you're making toward them today may not satisfy you in the future.But not many stop to think about it. We stick with our goals even when we have no motivation. We are hardwired to persist. We don't like to quit, and we believe that there's shame in gaining a reputation as someone prone to giving up. It's due to this, that people stay in situations or relationships that have stopped making them happy.
It's easy to fall prey to the sunk-cost fallacy—that you've already put so much time, money, or effort into a goal that it would be a waste to stop pursuing it now. But the energy and money you've put in are gone forever. There should be a point, wherein your concern should be whether untapped talents will also go waste? They say, "Part of the wisdom of moving forward is to know when a goal either has become outdated in terms of your own wants and needs or can't be achieved." Sometimes, quitting is necessary and beneficial.
But then, there's also a catch. Too often, we give up just when we need to push harder. I think all we can do is give ourselves enough time to accomplish our goals. But the 'enough' should be practical. ;)
 I think it's all about finding a balance between what really matters to us and the goals we chase.But too often our future plans are overly influenced by other's input—the best friend who begs you to join her start-up or the father who desperately wants u to do an MBA. These external factors can take us away from our core values.  But you can't manage everything in your environment—sometimes those emails simply must be answered—but you can control some external factors to set yourself up for success. New constructive habits to take you out of routines you've been following for years, could be the one. You can break your plans into actions you can do every day so that you don't lose the sight of what you want to achieve. If you don't work on it a little bit every few days, you're probably going to lose it. Getting out of your comfort zone is the key. Joining a community of like-minded individuals can help, too. 

Well, well it seems the Psychology Today has rubbed itself on me quite too hard.. :P It's getting too goal and success and blah blah. So I take a halt here. But whatever it is, I love writing anything and everything here. And I guess, this is the reason I always end up writing about something else than planned. I don't need to think, re-think, edit, re-edit before posting it here. :D Anyway I won't take any long and hopefully for the next time, will be back with something interesting :P Till then,please keep on sending the love, views, suggestions, queries and criticisms on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;) 

PS_ - This is not the article I was talking about a few days earlier. You will still have to wait. (If it doesn't make any sense to you, kindly ignore :P :) )

Wanna talk,. ?? "talk.. ;)" !!

Hello peoplez.. Today when I thought of writing, I wanted to write something about my family, my parents, about my mom who works day and night, and never stops worrying about us all the while, whom I manage to piss off even when I go home for as less as 15 days by acting unreasonably. I thought I would write about my dad, my pillar of strength, who never lets any problem within his reach to even touch me, one who trusts me even after all the screw ups. I wanted to write about how inadequate, ashamed I feel now when I think back. Even though they don't read these blogs (probably) I wanted to write everything I wanted to say to them, but then I realised, there are somethings which have no short cut. As a few days ago I confessed to a friend, I will try and make "the moments" as sacred as they ought to be by avoiding these means of expression, nothing like talking it out or saying it face to face, and I am trying to stick to it irrespective of the hindrances.. :P

Scary, isn't it.. :P But trust me folks, it's totally worth it. When you hear yourself say what you want to, to the concerned person, everytime you do it, something changes, you find yourself getting better, you find a light starting to kindle within you, you get a sense of accomplishment. It gives you a kind of relief which is a lot many times better than typing it and saving your face. When you say it, there's a genuineness that is absent when you text it. The expressions, sighs explain every damn thing better than the smiley faces and string of dots.  I just can't explain it any better.

I, myself, am guilty of "text"ing all the important things I wanted to say. May it be an overwhelming thank you or a really heartfelt apology, or may it be some incident I wanted to explain or worst of it, may it be my confessions. There's a part of me who knows that if I had talked these things face to face, the situations today would have been greatly different, not that I am complaining, but still.. I can't stop myself from snatching a few moments of regret, especially now that I know what power it holds. I would have been a lot better friends with a few of the excellent people out there, if instead of having weird texting conversations, I would have called and talk. Afterall its easier to think of something to say when you are actually talking, without any buffer time to think..;) Things are much more genuine then.. :P It has so much strength that it can make two people narrating these "texts" dangerously connected. Well, story for another day.. ;) :P

I am sure, not many of you will get what I am trying to say and I don't know why I end up every time like I am giving a sermon, but I prefer not to think about it.. :P I really want people to get to talk than whatsapp or text, and more than for you all, it has a bit selfish motive here. Well, as far as the experiments have gone, I haven't been much successful.. :P But no worries, I can't stay quiet all throughout the life, it's just a matter of time before I find the courage. Its not some life threatening situation, but something that's difficult, just because I am not used to it. And I was surprised to find a thing so native to human beings become such an issue, not even a recognised one. Nowadays, you want to propose someone, what you do is whatsapp him/her and keep on checking the seen ticks and last seens, you want to feel secure about your bf/crush, all you do is keep on texting him/her day in and day out. Now toh the extent of importance and priorities depend on the speed of the person replying back, no offence.. ;) :P

So all in all, I think you get the point now. Just try it and it will make a difference. Maybe stop us all from the illusionary bubbles when form around while talking using social media. Get up, go to the nearest coffee shop and talk... Talk.. Afterall, no one can be sure of anything happening while whatsapping, but of course, its proven that, a lot can happen over a coffee.. ;)

Good luck folks... :D

PS- I have no idea why have I written this even after debating with myself about it being stupid. Just felt like it, so please bear.

And please keep on sending the love, suggestions, queries and criticisms on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;) 

Idiots maybe- 4 (The IPT with 2 "Guardians" :P)

Well well, after the last the very senti'mental' post, its been long, isn't it ?? Well, I have been busy.. Dodging my marriage plans -_-, and doing my training in Ambernath.. which is 2 long hours from my place. And on top of that my only solace there is, are 2 of my friends as well as my "guardians" who constantly keep on treating me like a 5 year old. :/

Actually I had thought of a different title for this article, but it slipped out of my mouth someday, and one of them threatened me, so I had to change. Trust me, that was better. Maybe I will mention it sometime later, keep watching.. :P. Anyway back to me being treated like a 5 year old. There was a time few years back, when I was looked up to as a mature person, there were advices taken from me, and plus, I didn't use to be "the target". I miss being that, sincerely. A lot has changed in past 12-15 months, and so has this. And now the whole time in my training, all I hear is, Can't you see and walk, can't you eat without spilling, has a day ever passed by without you spilling anything, why do you have to play with water always, can't you just stop behaving like a kid, stop playing with that pen/pencil/scissors/marker or whatever it is in my hand, why don't you do something instead of wasting your time here in front of the pc (please note- they didn't have one.. :P ) , why, in world, are you talking so loudly, and trust me, the list can go on and on..

Does this sound familiar ?? Probably your mother or some aunt must have nagged like this sometime, but here, my beloved friends do that. (No offence hearties.. :P ) I truly felt like 2 nannas (male nannies, couldn't remember the apt word.. >:O ) are with me the whole time. And baring this, I was even sometimes pampered like a kid, no doubt about that. But those 'sometimes' were very very few. And one of them had a knack of irritating me whenever it suited him. I just had no antidote, until the other one gave me a jackpot. To divert him from whatever he's doing, all that was needed to do was sing "Naina" from Khoobsurat. An inside joke, but hell, it always worked.. :D

I am not complaining about anything. I enjoy the time there, sans the travelling time.. >:O; I enjoy having that exceptional luncheon, I enjoy waiting in AC and doing little bit of designing and literature survey while those two sweat in the process house. It's a good time except the constant nagging. This article is just to say that there are people who have their own ways of behaving with the world, and you should let them be, as they let you.. ;) :P I can't say much about anything else like the industry, or its working or a few things more, but all I would like to say, I had chosen a better fate than most others (Except on one day when I had to suffer alone in that cabin of extreme boredom ). But that's fine. I love them both a lot more than they do.. :p ^_^

On serious note, this vacation has taught me a lot, made me realise a lot. Apart from IPT, there has been a lot more going on. It soothes me and frightens me at the same time. It made me realise I can't just give up on anything or anyone. I have moulded everything around me it in such a way that I won't be the only one affected by the decisions I make. And the year that lies ahead of me now is going to ask me to make a lot of choices, a lot of decisions. I want to face them, and at the same time I want to avoid it. But what I won't deny is, I am yearning for my college to reopen. This year we will be seeing it as the bosses around, the final yearites, and I am a hell excited.. :P

I had to write a lot more in this article, but I guess all that will have to wait. Gotta rush, will keep you posted on what happens as and when I can. Till then, keep on sending the love, suggestions, queries and criticisms on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;)

Idiots- Maybe 3 ( backstage view of friendship ;) )

Just a few days back, I came across a post saying-  Don't write if you don't feel like writing, don't ever just write for the sake of it, don't do it until you feel words pouring out of your heart, and it touched me. I wasn't the kind of person who felt the compulsion to write something until few days back. And I realised I have to get back to writing for myself again. )Well, that's a pretty innovative disclaimer to say that my posts may get a little infrequent.. ;) )

And another disclaimer, especially for those who know me by name and face, please don't change your perceptions about me after reading these blogs. All of them are fictions based on some or other reality. Basically it's modifying reality, making up my own versions of them. And besides, I am being called a bluffer, may have been the case unconsciously, so I thought, as may I do it consciously.. ;)

There are many things I have on my mind right now- friends, career, family, again something about friends, health, then again something about friends and a few its and bits. It's now I realise how much importance my friends have in my life. And how much small things regarding them, small things they do or even things indifferent to them can affect me for days. Sometimes I feel I over do it, so much that it would freak out a normal person. And other times, I over expect things from them. Maybe it was hard for me to digest that it is not necessary for everyone to have same sensitivity towards every other person they spend their time with.

This lack of sensitivity, or say ignorance or may be self obsession, or just normal behaviour instead of a special treatment from my close friends, almost led me to a stage where I would do things against my own mind, I would cry myself to sleep, sleep for hours & hours, waste my time doing nothing and when I tried to put the blame of all this on some other people, accusing them of being selfish, ignorant and careless, I wouldn't believe myself on this. I knew this wasn't true et all. I know come what may, these people will always be there for me. These will be the ones who would celebrate me if even if something small comes up, will be the first ones to wipe off my tears least they hear of it or see it.

But yet inspite of all this, I had a tough time letting my urge to know everything about them before anyone else go. It was really tough to accept that they might not be comfortable sharing some things, that the priorities would change if they find their significant other or if they get a job or if they move to some other city. And the worst part to accept was, they can lie to me, mostly for my own sake though and sometimes to save their own skin, but yes, they would, sometimes to the extent that the gifts for their special ones would go as gift to their siblings. Sometimes there would be "groups" with me not in it other than my birthday planning group (I am never gonna forgive or forget that, ever >:O ) I, in reality, have very few close friends and in my fairy tale world, I did not expect even a single of these problems. But they came, and with a slap on my face, I had to acknowledge the fact, that in the end it's only you yourself who can save your day.

I tried movie binging, indulging my cravings, but nothing worked. The only thing that worked was when I decided to work for myself and pull these idiots out of their lives and force them to spend time together. That works every damn time. And never does it fail to remind me of the Owl city song, "Good time", especially the part where it says, " We don't even have to try, it's always a good time... "

Once a friend of mine honoured me with the dialogue saying, "In your group, you are the glue that holds it together", I didn't believe it then, but now when I realise it's true implications, I am above flattered. I don't even believe it now. I am the quiet one. Always the conflict solver, one on the side of the one being targeted, a person of exceptionally less words. It takes a hell lot of time for me to speak what's on my mind, I don't like to loose the reins of control over myself easily, I keep on resisting it, pushing it till the time of threshold. And as I said, because of this, my reactions may freak out a normal person, it's seems weird for others as to how intense small things get for me and for few others out there. But it happens, exists and there are people who love us and accept us after this. I am beyond being thankful to them for this. I do adore them and will always do, no matter what.

I usually make it a point to make sure my writing has a point. But today, it's just few words I wanted to put together. Nothing much besides that. Maybe the backstage view of friendship through my glasses. And please keep on sending your suggestions, comments, or whatever that you want to share, to me on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com . I am always going to be there to help you (and am open to taking help also ) Or you can comment below if you are comfortable with that :)

Idiots, Maybe- 3

This new year, (A little late for the new year news and wishes, but better late than never, Happy new year 2015 folks :); for the news, read on ) I with a few of my colleagues, had a trip to Shimla, Kullu, Manali and Chandigarh.. Well, not exactly Ye Jawani He Deewani types, but similar in few terms.. We had our own adventures, our own fun, our own "I never".. ;), our own fears to overcome and our own secrets to guard. All I can say the vacation was totally worth every amount of effort we put in convincing our parents to let us go on our own risks.

Be it the panic when two of our heroes were left behind at Delhi station, the relief at seeing them safely back in train, FIR for a lost document, miracle of getting back the cell phone left in the traveller and what not... Every day came up with something san sani... literally.. :P Dealing with the snow clad mountains, river rafting,skiing, paragliding seemed to be normal experiences after these, mind you, just relatively normal and totally worth. The beautiful sites around us in Shimla, Kullu Manali were exhilarating, the sort which how much ever you try to keep them in your memory keeps on slipping away owing to lack of grasping everything in the frame. And then the small tiffs on rooms, the pranks, the internal jokes, the real "tiffs", the it-bit adjustments, the mistakes made, misunderstandings, the delicate moments I don't know how to categorize, the instances of all the time spent with each other during the journey and on the stay there form a completely new chapter.

These instances will last forever in our memories.. We have pics, momentoes to remind us of them but there are some things which will be washed away in time. The quiet acceptance of few things that were not practical, some life changing moments, the toning down of expectations, and a few other delicate but strong experiences changed us in a way the humid climate of Mumbai couldn't make us fathom. It is a trip none of us will ever forget. I don't know about others, but it taught me a lot, about myself, about the people around me.

It was difficult for me when I saw my most beloved treasure being shared with others, with them getting a higher lot. I couldn't handle it when I came across a few staunch truths, and a few unexpected lies, but the bone chilling cold gave me the strength. I came back as a slight different person, which changed a lot for me around myself. And this is what created a hunger of travelling in me. It is now that I know why a few of my friends live meagrely, save money, just to travel around the places that catch their fascination.

Its not only about travelling, its about giving yourself a little time, pondering on where the steps you are taking will lead you to. And more importantly, giving yourself a break from the monotonous routine. It helps us to make sure if we are really satisfied, happy doing what we are doing. It gives us time to breathe. The thrill of travelling adds to the experiences, helps us grow as a person. I know people with sole aim in life of roaming around different places, and getting to know the lifestyle of the people there. I envy them for two things, first, they will learn a lot and grow into better beings, and second, they know what they want to do in life.

To zero down on what I want to do in life, I guess, I will have to take up another trip somewhere.. ;) :P But on a serious note, I would like to suggest to everyone out there, to take some time out from your daily schedules and go on small vacations, spend some time with your family and friends. You realise what you are missing when you are no longer able to spend time with them. And by spending time, I mean some quality time. There's no cure better than a good time with your loved ones for the stress that builds up in time. Trust me, it will never fail to risen up your spirits, even if its a normal evening dinner out with them.

I know, I got distracted from the main aim of the article, but chalta he :P Next time on, will try to keep the keys of keyboard on track.. ;) Till then, keep on sending the love, suggestions and criticisms on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to know, share, or tell, just mail it to me. :)

Stay strong.. #totally random !!

"She is a strong woman" we often hear someone say. And what's surprising is, people say it when someone goes through a lot of pain, injustices without saying a word to anybody else except her best girlfriend of course, they say it when someone stands up and fight for the wrong things done to them, they say it when somebody doesn't fight but goes through it optimistically smiling throughout. The point is, they say it flow of words or maybe because it sounds quite a matured statement without giving it any weightage and without revealing anything or maybe, because that's all what they could do.

I wonder what being strong actually means. Once me and one of my friends' had this discussion
(yes, I have a knack of pulling people into such discussions I guess.. ;) :P ) He was totally convinced that being strong meant keeping all your worries, all your difficulties to your self, keeping a smile on your face in spite the things pricking you, tearing you down from inside. He said, " Sometimes being able to stay in your bubble without letting anyone break it is staying strong"

I don't completely disagree with it. Frankly, it depends on your personality. An introvert person would prefer crying quietly in the bed or washroom while an extrovert could go around talking to n number of people repeating the same boulevard until they finally feel it lifting off their chest. I believe that being strong is not only being able to face the situation, but being able to get out of it with as much dignity as possible. You face it, you fight it, you wrestle with it, you ignore it, you find another option to it, do whatever you want, point is, it should stop bothering you and your decisions. (But please please do not forget what it taught you while making the decision :P )

And just until recent, I would prefer not bothering people or even my closet friends with my problems. But once I found friends who would dig me up until I got it out, I knew what a luxury that was. And now-a-days I myself, sooner or later atleast talk to them about every small thing that, forget hurts, even irritates me. It helps to clear my head, to think about something that's really important at that moment. But not everyone's lucky to be able to grant that trust on others. Or sometimes situations demand that. You cannot let the name, reputation be at stake for a small thing which actually hurt you a lot or somethings are just not easy to share. All I suggest is try and find atleast one, one such person in front of whom you can pour your heart out. Sometimes small things can be given a time test by watching a nice movie or getting addicted to a series for sometime or by staying in nice social circle with people of good humour. But somethings just need a lot more than that.

I am no one to suggest anyone anything, but what I think is, don't be afraid to ask for help if you are going through a rough patch. And don't be afraid to genuinely reach out to someone you feel is in some kind of mess. Go ahead, trust your instincts and embrace your emotions. Remember, we all had a guiding voice in our head who would tell us what to do in our childhood. As we grew, we stopped paying attention to it. It could be anything, you talking to sun, moon, birds, you having some weird coins helping you choose.. anything. Some of us maybe fortunate enough to remember something vaguely about it. Get that voice back in your life. Start trusting yourselves again, which is achievable only if you learn to embrace your emotions. Don't be afraid to love recklessly, but that doesn't go for hate or anger. They do more harm to yourselves than others.

Ah well well... Too sermonic !! >:O I hate myself when I get myself in such mood. Time to watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S I guess. Next time on I will watch it before writing :P And yes, one last thing, whatever you do, enjoy it and take its responsibility, even if it was bad, accept it. And move on in whatever way you are comfortable. :)