Questions...

Never thought I would experience this, 
the love I read about..

I knew about the love that kept one up at night,
About the love that gave you butterflies everytime you saw them..

But the love that lets you sleep peacefully
the love that gives you goosebumps,
the love that makes you wanna do better,
the love that makes you question a lot of things...

Change a lot of things...
And I blame this love for all the questions..

There are so many questions, 
I need answers to, 
But I am too scared to ask..
Scared of the pour it might bring on me..
Scared that the rains might not feel magical..

Am I just a good company?
Or am I magic for you...

Am I good enough for you?
Or I am someone you ever dreamt of..

Am I what you wanted? 
Or I am someone you settled for..

Am I even close to being as good as her?
Or am I just too similar to her...

Because I might be enjoying the rains through my window here,
Probably imagining myself on clouds,...

But I don't want someone who made the thunders & lightening bearable, 
to settle...
To not feel what I do,
Because this feels amazing, and everyone deserves it..

Even then, I will try my best, to not ask,
if I am the rainbow on a sunny cloudy day,
Or I am just the rains spluttering incessantly at your window?

Because for once,
I want to be selfish,
And curb my curiosity...

Maybe some thoughts are like the incessant rains,
which just cause trouble and nothing else...

I am ready to face the floods that it might bring on,
even if it's only for the momentary satisfaction

Of calling you & me, an Us & a We!!

What am I doing..

 What am I doing,
waiting for you,
to remember me...

Just so I remember
how I breathe..

What am I doing, 
waiting for you
to ask about my day...

Just so I can tell you something,
and make you smile,
feel something maybe...

What am I doing, 
waiting for you,
to get to know me...

Just so I know, 
that I am not just a nobody,
I am somebody you know...

Someone you are familiar with,
someone whose whims & tantrums
you can predict... 

What am I doing, 
waiting for you...
Especially when I am not sure,
what this is to you...

What am I doing,
I was someone 
who didn't need any rescuing...
who fought her own battles...

But now I am in the battleground,
I probably created...
waiting for you to forfeit,
a war you probably never wanted to fight...

What am I doing, 
waiting for you... !

All consuming fire!

I see you, 
But I am drawn towards you,
like the cliched moth to a flame..

And I would be damned if I knew why,
It's just so unexpected, 
Wasn't really a part of the plan,
you know...

Afraid I might burn myself,
Because I feel my heart skip a bit,
every time you look at me a second too long..
Every time that damn smiley appears in my chatbox..

And I am afraid you don't feel that, 
You don't miss my arms,
when it's raining outside,
or when it gets too overwhelming...

I miss you
like the summer misses the rains...

I want you here,
by my side,
Almost every day...

And I am afraid,
It isn't the same for you...
My breath was ragged, 
and my voice hoarse,
when you held my hand that day...
I had to blink it away 
before I realised what was happening....

And I am genuinely afraid,
of the power that simple gesture held over me,
And moreover,
that it was just a move for you,
or an instinct.. 
Totally unrelated to me...

I am drawn to you, 
like a moth to a flame,
but oh,
how lovely would it be,
for once,
for the moth to live on without burning, 

To be drawn to the warmth of the flame, 
And not the all-consuming fire!

Soft & Shiny Curls

Someone, 

with a fire in her belly, 

and smile on her face...

And there's absolutely none, 

Allowed to knock off the grace..

A pretty head, 

stands on a proud neck... 

A mess of curls,

Eyes gleaming with intellect..

And there's absolutely no one,

Allowed to rob that curious mind,

Of its moments of peace..

Until he came along,

And her moments of peace, 

were replaced with butterflies,

and misplaced ease...

She missed him,
like the summer misses the rains...
She wanted him there,
by her side,
Almost everyday...

She didn't know,
what will become of them,

But
she didn't want to wait too much,
in trying to figure out a future untold...

So just hurry up there man,
Take her into your arms,
And kiss her like there's no tomorrow... 

Detangle this mess of thoughts & blurs,
only to reveal,
the bouncy, soft & shiny curls.. <3

Happier!

Lying beside you, 
I can't stop myself from sighing, 
A blissful sigh of satisfaction...
Of having a nice life,
And good people like you in it,
To make it better... 

They say I am happier
when you are around..
That I laugh a bit loudly,
And I give in too easily,
That I am ready for anything & everything,
And that I sit enjoying myself in a corner,
With a wide grin pasted on my face..

Little do they know,
This was all I ever wanted,
Just the affection & acceptance,
Just the right amount of love,
And the right amount of restraint,
As I recently realized...

Little do they know,
If anything goes wrong,
I will always find you,
At my doorstep,
Singing to Ed Sheeran,

"Cause baby, you look happier, you do..
I knew one day, you'd fall for someone new,
But if he breaks your heart like lovers do,
Just know that I'll be here, waiting for you..."

My Act of having it together!

Sometimes you meet people,
who unknowingly become a huge part...
A huge part of your solace & peace..
And rarely do you understand
the place they had,
in your act of keeping it together..

You are no more around,
and every thing's falling apart.
I agree we made a mistake-
I shouldn't have pushed you
to act in the play of my greeds...

But you did,
and you tried,
and it shattered,
It also shattered something deep within me,
a reason to smile perhaps...

And don't get me wrong,
you were never the reason for my smiles,
but you were the reason,
for my tears to stop running down my cheek,
almost every time, for years.

Never did I think,
I will have a void,
which my anger & patience couldn't fill.
But alas, here we are!
Where I am still struggling,
to keep on stage-
my act of having it together!

Lying under the stars!

Lying under the stars at night,
I wish, it was you besides me,
& not this amazing stranger,
who traveled miles,
just to be with me...

I can see that he likes me,
but I keep thinking,
how would things be,
if it were you -

How you would look me up
with your eyes,
assuming that you do it,
without me knowing...

I keep on thinking,
if this would have happened with you, 
what jokes you would have cracked,
which moments would have made you happy,
& I know for sure, 
the pasta wouldn't have burnt- if it were you cooking...

I keep thinking,
how comfortable things would have been,
had we given us a chance..

We haven't been together in a way that's acceptable,
but I still know your every scar,
your every habit,
your every nightmare
& your every comfort...

But lying under the stars,
with this amazing stranger,
I realize,
He seems to want to know those things about me-
my dreams, my fears,
my discomforts & my muses..
Something you never bothered to care about..

And I laugh at the irony
the stars are listening to,
the stars are a witness to...

Lying under the stars,
with an amazing stranger,
I look up to them & 
silently hope,
I am making the right call,
as I turnover & kiss him...

Lying under the stars!

It's been years, but... !!

 It's been years,

And still my heart skips a beat,

Every time I see you in a crisp white shirt,

Tucked in your blue jeans... 

It's been years, 

Since I thought we would work out,

And still, everytime you do something for me,

 My cheeks turn a toasty beautiful red..

It's been years,

And still I can't comprehend,

What we share.. 

But everytime I imagine you with someone,

I have to distract myself with a 10 season long binge..

It's been years, 

And I still want to be the first 

To give you a hand when you fall...

And when I am not the one to do that, 

No meditation can contain the restlessness I feel...

It's been years,

And you still make me go red pink and green... 

But it's been years,

And somehow it's started to sink in, 

Maybe I am not the one you will find peace with, 

no matter how much I want you too...

But we have been in this for years,

And I just hope you find the most peace,

And the best piece 

That life has to offer.. 

It's been years,

And we will be so for ages,

But a part of me says adieu,

To the part of me 

That you will forever have ❤️