Struggle against loneliness.. (for Bloco)

And there I go again. I though the last date to submit was 30th Sept. How careless and stupid I can be, I don't know. It seems like I am trying new limits every damn time, and just between you and me, I am not at all proud of it.. :/ Anyway, so I thought, even though I haven't mentioned many struggles, there's one example I can't go without mentioning. The struggle of one of my own against loneliness. This guy, was a very strong, smart sensible person, always there for his friends, little naive but overall, one of the nicest people I could come across. We could actually talk about everything under the sun and we did. But until one day, when I realised there's something I did not know about him and it devastated me. I blamed myself for not understanding this, and again, as always, I went to talk to him because I felt terrible.

And his reply is what I want to share. It's one of the best, what say, a kind of sermon he has given me .. (he is in the habit of doing that a lot :P , yet ). This is what he said-

" For the starters, it's not at all your fault. How are you supposed to know something when I put all my energy into making you believe otherwise. You know, I am not the kind of person who likes to be vulnerable. Even when you opened up about all your feelings to me, however irrelevant or important, a part of me urged to do that. And no, don't say that I used to open up to you. I was comfortable talking to you, sharing things with you, but even after all that we went through together, I couldn't bring myself to appear weak in front of you,. Little did I know, that's what would make me strong.
And more over, I felt stupid. I thought no one would get what I was trying to say. I thought they would ask, how come even though I am surrounded by loved ones who care about me ? How come when I have such a good set of friends like yourself ? How come when I am doing so great in what I am passionate about ? My brain said AL IZZ WELL but my soul, well, it was lost, confused about why was life being so unfair to it. Punny, isn't it ? All I could manage was to keep the dice rolling. Get up, wash, go to college, chit-chat, pass the time, come home, whatsapp people about some irrelevant unimportant stuff, watch series, re watch movies, do all the things that I would, to make an ordinary day come to life.

But there was this something, eating away the best parts of me. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe for a damsel to come along and understand it, and make it all go away with her charm or maybe for that one moment when I could muster up my courage and announce to myself that whatever this is, isn't going to affect me henceforth. I was even afraid to give it a name. It doesn't hurt to call it loneliness now, but then it was my worst nightmare. I was unaware of what was happening to me. I started reading motivational self-help books, but apparently, time heals only the good things that we wish to hold on to forever. Time keeps on ticking to say, “Don’t be fooled, this is the reality.” That’s why the things I read to lift my spirits didn't stay with me for very long. There was a hole in my soul that drained me of all positive energy, leaving behind only emptiness. I knew the hole well by now—I had lived with it for months— but I didn't know how to escape its hold over me.
I was starting to lose hope. I started doing things I wouldn't usually do. You know which. I thought it would add some spice, liven up my life. I dared to go beyond what was fair and necessary. Didn't work. I ended up isolating myself even more. I went out for dinner or lunch with people who had nothing to do with my life and spent the whole time talking about things that were of no importance. But then you started noticing that something was wrong. A part of me wanted you and others to find out, but the other part would come up and say, nothing re, everything's fine. Just wanted some change or felt like doing it or something more idiotic. Everything was awful. Insomnia, emptiness, apathy.. I felt like I was falling into a deep dark spiral. I thought it was just a rough patch, a phase.. will pass. I waited for it to pass for 2 whole years and then some more.

And then you happened. Saying those things out loud was the best thing that happened to me. I think, it was this moment I was waiting for. I was tempted to modify a few things even as I was talking to you, but that day, the better part of me had the controls. I went on and on, those hysterical, sarcastic laughs, those tears, I needed them. It was then I felt like I was me again. I did not need to pretend anything any more. I could laugh my heart out, and what was so different on that day ? Nothing. We were just talking as we used to. And suddenly, I realised that there are people like you who genuinely care about me, who won't judge me no matter what. And that opened the flood gates. It's all what we need sometimes. People really do underestimate power of good caring friends in their lives. Taking them for granted, no matter how haughty your nature is, is the worst thing you can do. I now realise it.

I know and I understand you very well. And I am sorry I can't love you. But remember this, this is the most intimate I can be with someone. And we are going to stay this way for ever. "

Amazing, wasn't it ?? Now tell me who couldn't help falling for this guy. No no, I am not talking about the whole outburst, just concentrate on the last 2 lines. ^_^
Anyway, loneliness is something all of us suffer from at a point in our lives. And sometimes, instead of giving yourself the trouble of getting to your breaking point, all you can do easily is seek a friend. I can elaborate this more, but I am really sleepy now. So, if you really want to elaborate, email me and we can talk ;) It's sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share ,just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;)

Struggle to stay sane.. (for Bloco)

You know what folks, after I submitted the last post, I thought, was that a stupid idea ? The sort of thing that seems to hold a lot of pull at the start, with powerful words and stuff to express it, but as the time passes, the charisma fades away. And again on the other hand, not everyone would be comfortable about this show of their most intimate emotional venture. They would have a point if they claim so because I wouldn’t have liked someone whom I have trusted with my issues displaying them in public. Of course, anonymity is guaranteed but sometimes, it’s not about the ‘others’ who read it, it’s about the ones whose stories they are. So I was in a dilemma as how do I go ahead ? I need permissions and I won’t be able to get them over phone. I needed time but here the deadline’s approaching fast. So, I decided to write down about the person most dear to me, about whom I can safely decide what’s worth sharing..

There’s this girl. A seemingly normal girl in my batch who comes to college regularly, hangs out with her group of friends, has a decent score, in short, issue-free at first glance. But the ones really close to her actually know what she is going through. No no, nothing that tragic to make the aunties go, “Arre, poor girl !!” or something of that sort; but she has her own issues. She finds it difficult to stay sane sometimes. I am not kidding.

She is like, I really love my friends, but there are times when you just can’t laugh at their jokes, just can’t sit through their list of troubles, and neither do you want to be alone. There’s no incident or anything that triggers this restlessness, feeling of irritation, lack of concentration, it just happens. And on the top of that she had trouble getting over the rejection her heartless boyfriend gave her just after 2 months of relationship. He chose another girl over her. But for her, he was “the one”. Her only moments of solace in those days were when she realised she was much better in every sphere than the girl he was with ( Bitchy ?? But it works like hell.. Trust me..  )

And this thing pushed her over the bridge. She couldn’t sleep at nights, stayed awake through them days at a stretch, had attacks of depression, anxiety,urged to get addicted to something and felt deprived of the love, the feelings she had. Every time the guy crossed her (he was from my batch too), she said, she felt like she was being punched hard in the chest. She couldn’t breathe. All she thought was about how could she recover what was lost. This was her way to combat the real emotional pain of rejection. She was torn between her struggles to resist the temptation to stalk, plead, talk to him and make a needy fool of herself, and to preserve her dignity and self-respect. For many out there, you must be thinking, this is something we hear about everyday. What’s new ?? This is something that keeps on happening and is ‘inevitable’ ( Yes, Guys can be so mean at times.. oops.. most of the times..  ).

She said, she found it easy to let herself slip into zones of madness at times. The zones where she used to act crazy, weird.. Do stuff which did not require her to think. Seeing movies, devouring one book after the other, watching TV series, watching porn, drinking and smoking were her solace. And suddenly, one day she realised it’s been 8 months, and she’s the same. The intensity of the incident was the same. It hurt the same. And then she did something. This something is what makes her story different from millions others who tackle the loss of their “soul mates” by finding some other “soul mate.” It is this which helped her stay sane when going crazy was an easier option.

Often we misjudge people. We don’t understand the depth of their emotions, the importance of some incident. There maybe some who may be able to cope up with it quite easily, but there may also be some who are like her. What she did that day is something every one of us can try when we think we are losing our sanity. And the reasons maybe different, but this phase comes to everyone once in a while. She started with cleaning her room. Better look out of her room gave her a little positivity.

Then she jotted down something in her diary. She wrote, ” Firstly, I am not going crazy. I am just temporarily off the rocker. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or affect what he’s thinking or feeling. Whatever we had, for a short period though, was real and enough for me to keep him alive in my memory throughout my life. If wants space, I grant him that; all I want is for him to be happy. I won’t shame myself by stalking him or talking to him again. There is a part of me that seeks pain, agony and it is this part which urges me to seek him against my intelligence. ( That part is there within all of us. Most of the people allow it to overcome voice of their heart. And when this happens, we have no guidance of seeking our destined path. It is that part within us that resists change, that allows us to seek comfort in pain and suffering. We need to fight it)
When I feel overpowered by that darkness, I shall turn towards a good friend for reassurance.
When I am triggered, I shall take a deep breath and chant “control Girl control, this too shall pass” and I will put up a big smile even if I don’t feel like it. (They say, brain and body works with cause and effect principle. You either make something happen to feel cheerful {cause} or display the effect of being cheerful to actually lead the brain to think you are and release the hormones necessary ) [ And, it does help ]
Keeping a distance from him is what is going to help me heal. I will take as much time to heal as I want before I am ready to have a normal conversation with him. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
I am a growing, changing person and I am going to learn from this experience. And of course, I am going to get in better shape and spirits ( just so, at least once he realises what he has missed   ) No, this work out will be my stress buster; what he gets is no motive at all
The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me. ”

And fellas, she did follow it. It pulled her out of her downward spiral. She caught up with her grades, her life, her friends. The skies were blue again, the grass greener and the air more pleasant. She had started living. And after this experience, I think she can manage going through any other experience in her life with the life turning page of her diary with her. Everyone of us has this attack, some time or the other. We need to use some grounding exercise like deep breathing or concentrating on a point on the horizon, need to identify our triggers and ways to counteract them. It’s easier said than done, but there’s no running away from doing this. We all gotta stay sane, right ?? 

So, will be back soon with some permissions hopefully or with a new topic. Till then, stay sane.. 
And people, if you have any suggestions, criticisms, comments about anything, or if you want to share something, please mail it to me at sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com or write it in comments below.

About the struggles.. (for bloco )

” Hey there people.. So one article per day it was. I have never been consistent as such, but here, I wanted to be. And then I was caught up with a few things; before I knew, it was 17th Sept. So I thought, I will back out. What’s the point of starting now? And I was kind of irritated with myself that I missed the first 2 days. So I decided I won’t write here. And as unpredictable I am to even myself, here I am scribbling something. Maybe, the ‘ill’logic in me due to my own frustration has calmed down  Or maybe, I just don’t want to lose this opportunity. Better late than never they say.. 
I usually write on abstract topics. There’s no genre or something to what I write. I see something happening, or something happens with me, I feel something about it ( and trust me, I do feel something or the other about every damn thing I am part of, even as a spectator  ), I try to put it in words. I write about friends, success, view points, basically its all about one or the other kind of emotion.

Let me give you a short insight into my background. I am a final year student, standing at various cross roads at this very moment. Handling one cross road at a time is a task and here I am trying to choose the course I would like to pursue, the stream I would like to study, the country in which I would study, the guy I would spend my life with, and besides all of this, trying various coping mechanisms to keep my reins of care, jealousy, affection for ‘someone’ under control. It’s all too much to take in, but then knowing myself and the superb people in my life, I am sure I will handle it.

I haven’t gone through a lot of struggle until now in my life. More or less life has been easy, keeping aside the emotional issues ( that’s because when it comes to this particular consciousness, my emotional quotient is like 150% more than normal people >:O ) Can’t exactly say nothing that I couldn’t handle, but something I could make it through with the faith my family and friends had in me, with their love and support. And maybe this is why, I have great respect for people who go through the fire of struggle and come out glowing. It’s always fascinating and inspiring for me to hear such stories.

And I don’t mean I need the stories of great successful people who have left their mark on the world. Of course, most of the successful people have struggled a lot in their early life. There are a very few rare ones on whom Goddess Fortuna has showered her blessings at the start. Most of the successful people we idolize have gone through a period of depression, zero self esteem, the literal breaking point which if they wouldn’t have pushed through, there would have been no Vidya Balan or Shah Rukh Khan or Dhirubhai Ambani for that matter. But what inspires and awes me more are the stories around me. There’s a story of some or the other kind of struggle, their breaking points and break through hidden in every person around you.

For some it’s about quitting to smoke, for some to make both ends meet, for some to keep up the image they have in society, for some it’s about changing the world they live in, for some its about making their parents proud, for some its about making money, for some its about keeping the people around them together, for a few its about keeping their ways of downward spiral in check, for others its all about managing house, job and friends at the same time, for some its about keeping the male ego satisfied while not compromising the step on ladder of success, for some it’s about controlling their anger, about maintaining their body figure, for some its a struggle to just stay alive… I can go on and on.. And I think I am going to honour those struggles as long as I can by writing about them here. Let the world know of it, and moreover, let others out there know that they are not the only ones.

As I earlier said, I am not exactly a consistent writer types. But I am going to try to pay a tribute to all my heroes. So stay tuned in, I am sure you are going to connect with many of the anecdotes, personalities you read about in here. And as for now, all I would like to say is, whatever you are going through right now, is going to be okay 5 years later. If it is a guy you are whining about, a start-up that just closed down, low scores in mock tests (now that CAT etc is fast nearing), whatever it is, it is not going to stay with you with the same hold and intensity after a few years. No two people have same struggles, everyone has their own individual dramatic touches here and there but the only thing that is common for everyone is the finality that it is going to pass. It’s now you who have to decide if after a few years, you will be sitting in an interview and narrating the tales of your hardships with moist eyes to hundreds of people, or if you will be the one sitting in the audience, listening with moist eyes, clapping and applauding to their stories of break through wondering what have you achieved in life. Don’t once blame Caerus for anything, I dare you. It isn’t his fault if you cannot understand the boons he bestows. We all have umpteen opportunities around us to dust-up and stand.

If you don’t believe me, I will soon narrate to you a few stories which show how people can just keep up their faith and find the route to success with the help of tiniest ray of hope. Hope you all get the extra motivation you sometimes need to keep yourself going. If you have any suggestions, criticisms, comments about anything, or if you want to share something, please mail it to me at sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com or write it in comments below ”