Struggle against loneliness.. (for Bloco)

And there I go again. I though the last date to submit was 30th Sept. How careless and stupid I can be, I don't know. It seems like I am trying new limits every damn time, and just between you and me, I am not at all proud of it.. :/ Anyway, so I thought, even though I haven't mentioned many struggles, there's one example I can't go without mentioning. The struggle of one of my own against loneliness. This guy, was a very strong, smart sensible person, always there for his friends, little naive but overall, one of the nicest people I could come across. We could actually talk about everything under the sun and we did. But until one day, when I realised there's something I did not know about him and it devastated me. I blamed myself for not understanding this, and again, as always, I went to talk to him because I felt terrible.

And his reply is what I want to share. It's one of the best, what say, a kind of sermon he has given me .. (he is in the habit of doing that a lot :P , yet ). This is what he said-

" For the starters, it's not at all your fault. How are you supposed to know something when I put all my energy into making you believe otherwise. You know, I am not the kind of person who likes to be vulnerable. Even when you opened up about all your feelings to me, however irrelevant or important, a part of me urged to do that. And no, don't say that I used to open up to you. I was comfortable talking to you, sharing things with you, but even after all that we went through together, I couldn't bring myself to appear weak in front of you,. Little did I know, that's what would make me strong.
And more over, I felt stupid. I thought no one would get what I was trying to say. I thought they would ask, how come even though I am surrounded by loved ones who care about me ? How come when I have such a good set of friends like yourself ? How come when I am doing so great in what I am passionate about ? My brain said AL IZZ WELL but my soul, well, it was lost, confused about why was life being so unfair to it. Punny, isn't it ? All I could manage was to keep the dice rolling. Get up, wash, go to college, chit-chat, pass the time, come home, whatsapp people about some irrelevant unimportant stuff, watch series, re watch movies, do all the things that I would, to make an ordinary day come to life.

But there was this something, eating away the best parts of me. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe for a damsel to come along and understand it, and make it all go away with her charm or maybe for that one moment when I could muster up my courage and announce to myself that whatever this is, isn't going to affect me henceforth. I was even afraid to give it a name. It doesn't hurt to call it loneliness now, but then it was my worst nightmare. I was unaware of what was happening to me. I started reading motivational self-help books, but apparently, time heals only the good things that we wish to hold on to forever. Time keeps on ticking to say, “Don’t be fooled, this is the reality.” That’s why the things I read to lift my spirits didn't stay with me for very long. There was a hole in my soul that drained me of all positive energy, leaving behind only emptiness. I knew the hole well by now—I had lived with it for months— but I didn't know how to escape its hold over me.
I was starting to lose hope. I started doing things I wouldn't usually do. You know which. I thought it would add some spice, liven up my life. I dared to go beyond what was fair and necessary. Didn't work. I ended up isolating myself even more. I went out for dinner or lunch with people who had nothing to do with my life and spent the whole time talking about things that were of no importance. But then you started noticing that something was wrong. A part of me wanted you and others to find out, but the other part would come up and say, nothing re, everything's fine. Just wanted some change or felt like doing it or something more idiotic. Everything was awful. Insomnia, emptiness, apathy.. I felt like I was falling into a deep dark spiral. I thought it was just a rough patch, a phase.. will pass. I waited for it to pass for 2 whole years and then some more.

And then you happened. Saying those things out loud was the best thing that happened to me. I think, it was this moment I was waiting for. I was tempted to modify a few things even as I was talking to you, but that day, the better part of me had the controls. I went on and on, those hysterical, sarcastic laughs, those tears, I needed them. It was then I felt like I was me again. I did not need to pretend anything any more. I could laugh my heart out, and what was so different on that day ? Nothing. We were just talking as we used to. And suddenly, I realised that there are people like you who genuinely care about me, who won't judge me no matter what. And that opened the flood gates. It's all what we need sometimes. People really do underestimate power of good caring friends in their lives. Taking them for granted, no matter how haughty your nature is, is the worst thing you can do. I now realise it.

I know and I understand you very well. And I am sorry I can't love you. But remember this, this is the most intimate I can be with someone. And we are going to stay this way for ever. "

Amazing, wasn't it ?? Now tell me who couldn't help falling for this guy. No no, I am not talking about the whole outburst, just concentrate on the last 2 lines. ^_^
Anyway, loneliness is something all of us suffer from at a point in our lives. And sometimes, instead of giving yourself the trouble of getting to your breaking point, all you can do easily is seek a friend. I can elaborate this more, but I am really sleepy now. So, if you really want to elaborate, email me and we can talk ;) It's sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Anything you wish to share ,just mail it to me. You won't be judged ;)