Heart wants what it wants!!

There are times, when I feel there are a million pieces of me,
each one worried about something or the other,
each one working on this or that...
And I love it when I can feel so,
But there are times when I want that one embrace,
that can put me together,
even if it is for a moment...
So I can get the strength I need to continue..

I don't know if I will ever find it,
I don't know if I will ever have it..
I just hope these expectations of how I want it to be,
These fears and hopes which have molded my ideas;
my ideas of how it should be for me to be happy..
Don't end up spoiling what comes my way..

And don't get me wrong,
I in no way mean anything to be superior or inferior to the other,
What I get might be better than what I want,
But you see,
the heart wants what it wants!!

It's just that, no one ever taught me to consider what if what I want,
and what I love are different,
I never stopped to think that the other person might have some ideas too,
I just assumed it would fit,
like in the movies.
Maybe, the embrace I am looking for,
is the one they have just before "The End"
And I never stopped to think,
there's a whole life waiting to happen,
after "The End"!!

The Sunrise!!

There are times when I am overwhelmed,
by how great we could be..
also, btw, about how great we are..

Until now,
when I had decided to hold myself back,
I could just live with whatever's coming my way..

But now, even the thought of us being together,
makes me want to demand more from you,
makes me want to expect more from you..

I know, I know,
I am pretty sure that's not what you signed up for..
So I am giving you this head's up..

I can assure you, life won't be boring,
but there maybe times when I don't want to talk,
or I am restless (which is atleast few times a day)

I can assure you, times will just glide by,
but there maybe times when you wouldn't know what to do with me,
or you would pull out your hair.

I can assure you, I will always be there for you,
but there maybe times when I don't want you to be there,
or when I want you to- but I won't ask for it.

Honey, I can assure you about a lot of things,
and mark those red flags out in open for you..
But I have realized, it won't matter...
None of it will matter, if we hold ourselves back...

So, I don't know what kind of life to expect,
I don't know what I will get,
All I know is, right now,
I want to spend some of it with you in the most cliched way-
Under starry skys, wrapped up in your arms,
talking about anything & nothing till the sunrise...
A sunrise that will make me savor the moment in satisfaction,
unconcerned about what the tomorrow will bring !!

Eternal Kairos !!

Kairos (N): The perfect delicate, crucial moment/weather; the fleeting rightness of time and place that creates the opportune atmosphere for action, words, or movement. [Pronounciation: 'kl-ros (KYE-ross, English)]
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As the first drops of rain drizzle; I sigh

26th rain in a row, I say,

and I still have to romanticize it on paper...

But for a long time,
I have now come to believe,
that maybe True love; the one with capital T,
wasn't meant for everyone...
That, it wasn't meant for me..

How could someone like someone,
who's so crazy, and can stay so fixated..
Moreover, who's so closed & perhaps a bit messed up...
Someone who refuses to trust anyone easily-
And it's not really about trusting as much as it is about the unsaid comfort,
and about the un-asked dependence...

I believed, for a long time now,
that True love with capital T,
is only for the chosen few-
and maybe, not for me,...

And I was never so glad to be proven wrong..

One fine day, out of nowhere,
you waltz in with your kind eyes,
and haughty confidence...
Making me laugh- audaciously attempting jokes on my behalf,
but feigning genuinely to cower, when I give you "the look"

And then I hoped to believe,
after a long time,
that True love with capital T,
was maybe for everyone-
who choose to believe
that they do deserve it..

I knew you were trouble,
but this was the kind of trouble I was looking for...
I wasn't incomplete without you,
but you made staying "me",
a lot easier for me...

I know you find it odd that I don't look for you,
every step of my way... But believe me,
I stumble a lot less nowadays!!

I know you find it odd that I don't giggle a lot,
like a girl in love... But trust me,
I now have someone to look at and smile,
when I am having the worst of days..

And as probably the last rains of the season come by,
I find myself wishing for the next season of rains-
When I will finally share the random bursts of joy I get-

when I happen to glance out of the window,
and watch the drops glide by...
When I will share a cup of coffee with you,
and wait for an eternity to happen in that moment!!

An age you write letters to....

Looking at the trend, I laughed..

letters to my 25-year-old self, they said,

Letters of regrets, and opportunities lost,

Letters of hope, and things to accomplish...

But no one knew, 

how it was to be 25,

or how it will be to be 25...

Well, no one, no one except me,
The 25-year-old self!!

And let me start by saying,
I am not easy to be...
At times, I am a child in an adult's body,

Other times I am an adult,
trying to keep the child in me at bay...

At times, I feel like I have the world at my feet,
there's nothing I can't do,
The other times, I am a sad depressed soul,
who thinks, there's actually nothing I can do !!

At times, I am beautiful, smart, sexy and witty,

Other times, I am someone's who's going to die alone with cats by my side...

I am caring, forgiving and noble,

But at times, I am just a biatch ;)

25-year-old self solely knows,

how it is to be,

and no matter how many forecasts & letters it recieves,

it is going to be the same old confused idiot,

making some stupid mistakes,

just to feel good about it later on...

It is really unfair,

to put so much of burden on it, to expect so much out of it,

to call it the year of crossroads and decisions!!

Let the 25-year-old be I say,

an age to make mistakes,

to conquer the world,

and crib about a broken heart...

Let the 25-year-old be I say,

An age you write letters to,

when you are 12 or 50 !!

An unending, agonizing hope !

One moment can change the turn of your whole life,
and so can that one moment- that never happened...

I am standing in a bar,
drunk, swaying to the tunes,
and feeling the high bass rhythm,
pulsing through me...
Soothing the pain of my broken heart...

I pause on the running tracks,
covered in sweat,
with my feet throbbing,
and my heart trying to tear through my ribs,
Escaping from the shame of having made a fool of me...

I smell the pages of a book at a library,
and browse through the movies there...
willing myself to look at other things in life,
Drowning myself in pages & screens to stay sane...

I talk to my peers & friends,
laughing, and talking, and  having a good time,
when I suddenly realize,
I am not the only one in bars, on tracks or in the library,
when it dawns upon me,
there's nothing much that is talked about,
except soothing, escaping, drowning,
or for the few lucky ones, loving...

Maybe, just maybe, the whole life is about finding your love,
and keeping it?
Maybe, just maybe, even here, as in most cases,
not everyone can be called successful...

Perhaps, for most out there,
it's a constant struggle of search,
till their last breath...

It's just those few,
on whom books are written,
and movies are made,
It's just those few who get featured,
due to their persistence or luck, who knows...?

But for the rest,
the lyrics of a love song,
are mere lyrics,
and an unending, agonizing hope...

But as someone said,
Hope is a good thing,
Maybe, the best of things !!

The dark place!

I don't want to go to my dark place,
But seems like I don't have a choice...

It's so easy to get lost in there,
The numbness and the deafening quietness,
It doesn't compel you,
to do the right thing...
It doesn't ask you to take a decision,
you can stay afloat there,
drifting for days at a stretch.
Moreover, it gives you a cover,
if at all.. In case,
In case, you decide to stop drifting,
and stand on your feet for a moment,
asking whys and whats?
The reasons and blames will echo,
for all the ones you loved...
Couldn't they do so?
Didn't they realise?
Why did nobody bother to stop me...

I don't want to go to my dark place,
But seems like I don't have a choice...

I don't have to live,
I don't have to care,
for me or otherwise,
And neither does it ask me,
about the courage, I would need,
in case I decide to go back,
or put an end to everything.
Moreover, it gives you a cover,
if at all, in case,
In case, you want to be a passenger,
in your own life...
It happily takes up the wheels,
like an eager teenager,
waiting to get his hands on the steering..

I don't want to go to my dark place,
But seems like I don't have a choice,
Because sneak peeks into it,
Reveal the most sacred truths,
It gives you all the answers you need,
It presents you with the meaning,
you search for,
But oh, it's a shame,
You can't comprehend,
until you are in the light..

But oh, it's a shame,
That not many understand,
That they may not have a choice going there,
But they can come back,
at their own will!!

Maybe !!

We sit across each other now,

pretending to be interested in gossips or work,

You tell me something high and mighty, 

about someone high and mighty,

And I listen, every word, with rapt attention,
Because I am afraid, that if I stare for a second too long,
I might not be able to go back...

When suddenly, you drop in a casual statement,

which makes me think,
about the thoughts that start with a "Maybe"

Just maybe, you are not pretending to fit in,

Just maybe, you do genuinely care, about me,

Just maybe, you are trying to make up....

Sometimes I wonder, 

why is just being yourself so hard for you....

I know for a fact, that we all are a bunch of misfits here..

Why do you need to have those high walls around me,

and I think I have earned it, 

when I say, high walls of nothingness, and for nothing...

When suddenly, you give me that look,

that glance which makes me go searching for a gasp of breath,

and I think, "Maybe"

Just maybe, you don't know yet,

Just maybe, you are not sure yet,

Just maybe, you are tied in some way.

Sometimes I wonder,

Am I wrong, in treating you the way I do,

Or for treating you really nice?

I don't know if that makes you feel comfortable,

Or it just adds to your discomfort of not being a part of it?

At times, I try and desperately search for something..

Something, and anything that will help me know,

What works for you... 

Because, maybe, no matter what,
I really want to see you settle...

This weird restlessness you have about you,

doesn't really do justice to the presence,

that one would like write about... :P

Sometimes I wonder,

do you even read what I write?

do you ever think of any "Maybe"s,

"Maybe"s that I am a part of....

And I think, "Maybe" !!

The odd one out there !!

One day I said,
That this oversized sweater reminds me of you, especially on a rainy day, with a hot chocolate mug in my hand,
And you just smiled, and said, "I'm glad, you think I am that comforting"
The other day I said,
I am so weird, and you sat me down, with examples of weirdness in (and around) your life...

There were days when I would just get bored,
and I would text you... And you would entertain me,
Till the sun showed up again on the horizon,
and it was time to attend one of those lectures where no one listens to anything...

There were days when I would feel so much of something,
and I would want to distract myself,
and I would text you.... And you would entertain me,
Till we saw the first rays of sun outside our windows,
and it was time to actually get up and see each other in college,
somehow pretend that we would just harmlessly banter,
and now I wonder why,
why didn't we stop & think about it?

Maybe, it was the beauty of it..
The beauty that you would find in this mess,
Or was that solace & friendship?
There were days when we would talk 24*7,
and there were times when we replied back to each other after days, at an instance, after a year...

But over the years, we are still the same...
We know the best sides of each other, and the worst....
There are things you know that I might not even think of again,
And I know, I have been at those places for you at times..

Yet, we never dated.. we never made promises of "bff"s
we don't expect much from each other,
and yet, we know, we are always gonna be there for each other..

One day I said,
That chaos is calming, it tells me everything is okay,
And you probably sighed, and said, "Haven't heard anything so relatable for a long time"
The other day I said,
Cut out from the same cloth, aren't we...

And you would probably say something,
sweet, cheesy yet corny....
And we would continue walking our own paths,
trying to keep our souls alive, feel alive....

To Cliches, and to a brand new 2k19 !!

Why are you so obsessed with love they say,
write something about us..

And it is then I realised,
I have given so much of mind space to what isn't,
or to what could be,
that I haven't really taken time to appreciate what I have...

Yes, this is one of those cliched, over gratitudy post,
But for somethings,
like your proposals, and promises of getting old together,
like gifting your first salary to your parents, and expressions of thanks,
cliches are good... So, here I go,

There are so many things we take for granted,
Year ends, and our big falls remind us of them..
Right from good education, good food,
To an understanding that comes with the education,
To the health that comes with good food....
From the capability & the zeal to travel,
To the richness that one commands after the travel...
From good people around you,
To realising that you have come a long way due to the company you have kept...
From having the option to break the societal norms,
To taking a conscious call of not casually calling someone's taste "gay", and not announcing that "I don't judge" or using sexist slurs of "crying or throwing like a girl"

There are so many things we take for granted...
But,
Despite the unfairness of it all, and everything,
the feeling of only imagination being a limit, is also a luxury,
the ones who have just assume, and the ones who don't, never realise..

There are so many things we take for granted...
Yet, sometimes it feels like there are so many things in life that we can't control...

This year, taught me that it's important to remember the things we can...
Like forgiveness, second chances, and fresh starts...
You don't have to be anything to anyone, you just have to be everything to you...
It is very easy to hear these words, and agree, and forget,
unless you feel it. You actually see yourself living life on your own terms...
It doesn't matter if you are single, it doesn't matter if you are bored of your job,
It doesn't matter if life's throwing you any of those 146 things that it has listed under "issues"

Tell yourself, it is a consequence of the decisions you made...

Because the one thing that turns the world from a lonely place into a beautiful one, is.... Love? No.. It's Hope...

Because, remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies... Happy New Year Folks :)