Wednesday 14 October 2015

Struggle to stay sane.. (for Bloco)

You know what folks, after I submitted the last post, I thought, was that a stupid idea ? The sort of thing that seems to hold a lot of pull at the start, with powerful words and stuff to express it, but as the time passes, the charisma fades away. And again on the other hand, not everyone would be comfortable about this show of their most intimate emotional venture. They would have a point if they claim so because I wouldn’t have liked someone whom I have trusted with my issues displaying them in public. Of course, anonymity is guaranteed but sometimes, it’s not about the ‘others’ who read it, it’s about the ones whose stories they are. So I was in a dilemma as how do I go ahead ? I need permissions and I won’t be able to get them over phone. I needed time but here the deadline’s approaching fast. So, I decided to write down about the person most dear to me, about whom I can safely decide what’s worth sharing..
There’s this girl. A seemingly normal girl in my batch who comes to college regularly, hangs out with her group of friends, has a decent score, in short, issue-free at first glance. But the ones really close to her actually know what she is going through. No no, nothing that tragic to make the aunties go, “Arre, poor girl !!” or something of that sort; but she has her own issues. She finds it difficult to stay sane sometimes. I am not kidding.
She is like, I really love my friends, but there are times when you just can’t laugh at their jokes, just can’t sit through their list of troubles, and neither do you want to be alone. There’s no incident or anything that triggers this restlessness, feeling of irritation, lack of concentration, it just happens. And on the top of that she had trouble getting over the rejection her heartless boyfriend gave her just after 2 months of relationship. He chose another girl over her. But for her, he was “the one”. Her only moments of solace in those days were when she realised she was much better in every sphere than the girl he was with ( Bitchy ?? But it works like hell.. Trust me.. ðŸ˜‰ )
And this thing pushed her over the bridge. She couldn’t sleep at nights, stayed awake through them days at a stretch, had attacks of depression, anxiety,urged to get addicted to something and felt deprived of the love, the feelings she had. Every time the guy crossed her (he was from my batch too), she said, she felt like she was being punched hard in the chest. She couldn’t breathe. All she thought was about how could she recover what was lost. This was her way to combat the real emotional pain of rejection. She was torn between her struggles to resist the temptation to stalk, plead, talk to him and make a needy fool of herself, and to preserve her dignity and self-respect. For many out there, you must be thinking, this is something we hear about everyday. What’s new ?? This is something that keeps on happening and is ‘inevitable’ ( Yes, Guys can be so mean at times.. oops.. most of the times.. ðŸ˜› ).
She said, she found it easy to let herself slip into zones of madness at times. The zones where she used to act crazy, weird.. Do stuff which did not require her to think. Seeing movies, devouring one book after the other, watching TV series, watching porn, drinking and smoking were her solace. And suddenly, one day she realised it’s been 8 months, and she’s the same. The intensity of the incident was the same. It hurt the same. And then she did something. This something is what makes her story different from millions others who tackle the loss of their “soul mates” by finding some other “soul mate.” It is this which helped her stay sane when going crazy was an easier option.
Often we misjudge people. We don’t understand the depth of their emotions, the importance of some incident. There maybe some who may be able to cope up with it quite easily, but there may also be some who are like her. What she did that day is something every one of us can try when we think we are losing our sanity. And the reasons maybe different, but this phase comes to everyone once in a while. She started with cleaning her room. Better look out of her room gave her a little positivity.
Then she jotted down something in her diary. She wrote, ” Firstly, I am not going crazy. I am just temporarily off the rocker. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or affect what he’s thinking or feeling. Whatever we had, for a short period though, was real and enough for me to keep him alive in my memory throughout my life. If wants space, I grant him that; all I want is for him to be happy. I won’t shame myself by stalking him or talking to him again. There is a part of me that seeks pain, agony and it is this part which urges me to seek him against my intelligence. ( That part is there within all of us. Most of the people allow it to overcome voice of their heart. And when this happens, we have no guidance of seeking our destined path. It is that part within us that resists change, that allows us to seek comfort in pain and suffering. We need to fight it)
When I feel overpowered by that darkness, I shall turn towards a good friend for reassurance.
When I am triggered, I shall take a deep breath and chant “control Girl control, this too shall pass” and I will put up a big smile even if I don’t feel like it. (They say, brain and body works with cause and effect principle. You either make something happen to feel cheerful {cause} or display the effect of being cheerful to actually lead the brain to think you are and release the hormones necessary ) [ And, it does help ]
Keeping a distance from him is what is going to help me heal. I will take as much time to heal as I want before I am ready to have a normal conversation with him. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
I am a growing, changing person and I am going to learn from this experience. And of course, I am going to get in better shape and spirits ( just so, at least once he realises what he has missed ðŸ˜‰ ðŸ˜› ) No, this work out will be my stress buster; what he gets is no motive at all
The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me. ”
And fellas, she did follow it. It pulled her out of her downward spiral. She caught up with her grades, her life, her friends. The skies were blue again, the grass greener and the air more pleasant. She had started living. And after this experience, I think she can manage going through any other experience in her life with the life turning page of her diary with her. Everyone of us has this attack, some time or the other. We need to use some grounding exercise like deep breathing or concentrating on a point on the horizon, need to identify our triggers and ways to counteract them. It’s easier said than done, but there’s no running away from doing this. We all gotta stay sane, right ?? ðŸ˜›
So, will be back soon with some permissions hopefully or with a new topic. Till then, stay sane.. ðŸ˜‰
And people, if you have any suggestions, criticisms, comments about anything, or if you want to share something, please mail it to me at sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com or write it in comments below.

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