Sitting at home these past few months, and being forced to face my
own thoughts, it's after long that I have gathered the courage to write about something that actually charged me up, made me feel that maybe even one voice
regarding this is enough contribution- even if it gets drowned in millions of
other voices on the subject. Because the millions of other voices haven't heard
my story, haven't walked my footsteps.
Some of the recent conversations I had, incidents I witnessed, led me to think, how deeply have
years of societal conditioning affected us. For example, let's take the whole fundamental and big rite of
passage in the lives of every LGBTQIA community person we know- "coming
out." Do straight people announce it to their friends & family that
they are straight? I understand the novelty of acceptance might have led to the
need for this being highlighted, but isn't that the effect of society thinking
for us?
The ruling emotion for most of us is fear- fear of being treated differently because of who you are, fear of accepting one's natural orientation, fear of being called
names for something you did/ didn't do, fear
of gaining or losing weight, fear of marrying late or marrying early, fear of
not looking cool if we don't use women abusing expletives even if it makes us
uncomfortable at the beginning/ even if we know we won't use it in front of our
parents or children because we know its wrong, fear of talking too much or
talking too less, fear of making it in life or failing to do so, fear of being
looked at as an outcast or of not being looked at as someone different. We are
always worried about doing something or not doing something- and even if
brazenly deny, we do it according to the definitions given by the
society.
I am not against the general guideline-qualifying society men..
oops. human beings formed so that we live cordially as a group. I am against
the society which is so deeprooted in our minds, that even subconsciously we
are forced to conform to it even if it hurts our very core.
The situation is so bad that it has deteriorated not only the
foundations of humanity but our homes, and our beds. Women feel guilt every
time they turn down a guy in bed even if it's because they don't feel like it,
but men, on the other hand, might feel awkward sharing the same bed after
turning down women, but they won't lose sleep over it. Don't you think, on a
deep subconscious level, this slightly is because women have been conditioned
to please men and not care about their own happiness? I am surprised at the
number of well respected and successful women who treat themselves as
caretakers of their bodies, which most of them feel the need to be kept clean
(read waxed & plasticized) so that they don't disgust men, even if men are okay with it. Women haven't
learned to accept themselves as they are, and there's a lot of shame regarding their own bodies, their body parts- not that they aren't proud of themselves, it's just that they are afraid of the attention it would attract, and who needs it! It's not only
women, but men are also under a lot of societal pressure with respect to their bodies, and performance. They have been conditioned to think that lasting longer in bed means that they are good in bed, so much so that it messes with
their minds & psyche. But did anyone wait & ask- says who?
No, they didn't. Men are just supposed to know everything, aren't
they? The silent brooding father heroes, the problem solver husbands,
boyfriends who mysteriously sweep in to solve issues of their damsels- in all
our imaginations, they are the ideal men- aren't they? Don't get me wrong, I am
not saying damsels can't solve their issues, I am saying, even if they can,
they expect the men around them to do it for them. It makes them feel pampered
they say. Does that translate to women feeling safe when men are around to help
them because men are superior to them? And not to mention, the men getting
burdened with taking care of an extra set of problems- like he's supposed to do
that. Ladies, if you can't do it for him, don't expect him to do it for you
(and vice versa too).
And mind you, I have not yet once touched any aspect that might be
related to inherent differences between a man & a woman. I know they exist.
But what I am trying to say is, there are already deep rooted roles for a man
and a woman in our minds, and we need to start looking past it. We need to
start thinking for ourselves and start talking about some things that are
currently left untouched. And moreover, we need to let everyone know- it's okay
to do so. It's okay to have fears, and insecurities and failures. We all know
its good to win, but we don't know what to do if we don't. It's okay to think
about it too- it is in no way undermining your "positivity,"; at most
what it does is put your incessant fears to rest, allowing you to focus.
I have some great people around me. Right from my family to my
circle of friends & colleagues- all of them are different personalities,
and most of them are pretty logical & inspirational people. But even so,
there have been times when some of their actions have been a bit
disrespectful. And the worst part of it was, they did it unknowingly. They
aren't any major things- small things like using sister or mother abusing
swears, completing sentences for women without realizing they were doing so,
addressing a mail as Sir when gender is unknown, objectifying women body parts,
making fun of "men" who dared to accept their feelings, issues,
insecurities in public while in private, these same people could cry buckets
over a Disney movie, commenting about physical appearances of your
friends/relatives- asking them to gain, lose weight- of course, as
"friendly advice for our benefit"- but people commenting on other's
bodies are deeply negatively shaping the minds of our youngsters. But open
conversations at least made them realize that some of these things were
uncomfortable to respective people.
It is only when we open up and talk about these things especially
to our peers, and the kids around us, will certain wheels roll in our favor. We
finally may move to a world where our fathers are not hesitant to hug their own
daughters, where they are allowed to show emotions, where a guy crying in a
movie doesn't get an aww reaction from girls, where we can tell our family that
we do hang out with the opposite gender, and they don't worry about it, where
we don't hush our male friends when our parents call. If we don't start talking
about these issues, even we as a generation won't be able to make much of an
impact in raising our kids as humans instead of a boy & a girl. They don't need to just blindly
learn what movies & advertisements teach them- they can learn and think and
talk. I look at the cartoons, and the content, mannerisms kids are exposed to
nowadays, and I dread the effect it might be having on them. I am more afraid
of the takeaways they might be taking from this.
Society has conditioned us so much that even thinking for oneself;
defining your own definitions for abstract things, for what matters to you is a
breakthrough. This quarantine has given every one of us time to face our
thoughts, listen to the small voice inside your head- it always guides you. It did
rebut you when you stared at someone for way too long, or when you kissed when
you didn't want to, didn't it? Trust the voice inside you. It may seem like the
whole world's against you, but if it keeps you happy, sane & it gives you
peace, go ahead, and believe in it. Of course, if it's something immoral or
illegal, you probably will end up in jail, but then again, that's a story for
another day!
And don't only listen to that voice, talk about what it tells you
also. It will help you and others around you to stay on track. Every time you
decide to not voice your opinion, it's some battle lost. The loss is for the
world, or for you obviously depends on the rationale behind your opinions. But
living with some highly opinionated people throughout my life, have opened my
mind towards things I was unsure of, it has helped me accept myself and others
around me in a better capacity. Please feel free to strike up a conversation
regarding any of this on sharayuchaudhari@gmail.com. Would be happy to indulge
in your theories, or listen to your stories :)!!
And next time, when some woofer plays, Jaha see hona chahiye, wahi
se h tu thick- please do enjoy the beats, and don't block the lyrics, but know
that this shouldn't be normalized, so that people around you are sensitized
too!
